Sometimes I get really depressed and its hard to decipher whether it's my looming menstruation or a rush of all the things that disappoint me.
I'm really happy most days.
Not today.
Little things build up in a matter of hours and all of a sudden your keenly aware of how things seldom go your way. Waiting, half an hour for my husband outside his work, going to H&M and finding clothes that actually look semi cute but not being able to afford or fit into them they way your want regardless of how hard your think your working at the gym.
I know it could be worse. I've made progress. I'm just disappointed that I'm not farther along on my fitness journey I mean it's been months but at the same time I was and unfortunately still am overweight (and that's putting it nicely.) but hey at least I'm not where I started. so maybe it's not that bad.
It would be nice to not have to wait outside my husbands work to pick him up for half an hour after he tells me he's walking out. but there's no helping that.
that's two examples of a few other things. I guess the best I can do is keep pushing, keep trying, in hopes that some day I will be minimally disappointed and really proud of myself.
God I pray your remind me to eat better, keep exercising, keep being patient, and keep my eyes fixed on heaven.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Saturday, December 13, 2014
empty words
I used to promise myself that I wanted to make this blog come alive but there's something much too comforting about the anonymity of not following through on my promise. So I'm not. Life has been good to me lately. This year as a whole has been good. Losing my grandfather of course was hard but its amazing for him because he's in heaven. so maybe losing him makes it also a great year. Things are clearer now, my relationship with my dad is stellar, my husband and I rediscovered each other and possibly fell more in love. my son and I experienced what a school setting would be like. I also changed my major, worked a bit, took some pretty cool roadtrips, volunteered allot and discovered a new passion for fitness. Not to mention the biggest and absolute best part of this year, I was baptized and my relationship with Jesus Christ is at a level I never experienced before. None of these things would be possible if it weren't for my god.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
9 months later...
Wow! so much has happened and changed since March and I can't believe I haven't updated not once for 9 months! A baby could have been baked in that time! In fact a baby was! Our dear friends Michelle and Andy had a sweet little girl two weeks ago and her name is Madeline. Madeline is gorgeous and a little sister to Valentin's best friend, Liam.
So I guess in all that time I was away she was cooking. Our Austin trip was full of laughs, shopping, relaxing and eating! It ended up being a lovely time for the 3 of us and another road trip is already in the works for next spring. Unfortunately soon after we returned, my grandfather suffered a heart attack and was in a coma for 9 days before he passed away. Never in my life had I felt so comforted and loved by Jesus. I felt him so prominent, so near, It was the hardest time I'd ever had but I was not alone and I grieved the loss of my dear grandfather whom I named my son after.
Even though I knew he was in heaven, nothing can keep you from feeling the loss of a loved one. After he passed in early April, I had missed so much school from being at the hospital day in and day out, that I had to drop my classes. I had a very mean and heartless teacher who said to me "you say you've been at the hospital but you seem perfectly contrite to me." Couldn't believe how cruel she was. I threw myself into a new job I got at a daycare next to my house to get my mind away from loss. Valentin and I both stayed there for 5 months until school started again and I absolutely couldn't juggle work, school and my son anymore.
School has been great and I am taking my finals next week. I'll be off probation from financial aid so I can get help to pay for classes next semester and that god for that! School is expensive. Becoming a stay at home mom again was hard on Valentin and I both. I had used up most of my patience at the daycare and he had too. we had to learn to get along just us two again. Its taken a couple of months but we're finally back on a good rhythm. Play dates and managing our accounts along with a midday nap is really nice and I'm grateful that I can live like this for now.
The real reason I looked for an outlet to write today is because I came to a very valuable realization. Sometimes no matter how much you've been there for someone, or how much kindness and love you've shown them or abuse you've taken from them, it may never be enough to make them see you as someone worth respecting or treating fairly. Including and not limited to: you're own family i.e. your mom. Sometimes people demand respect from you and no matter how much you know you do respect them, they will still always expect to wipe their feet on you like a door mat. Through hospital stays, illness, recovering from surgery, even giving them rides when they need them. It doesn't amount to anything with certain people sometimes. That's when the epiphany dawned on me:
If all I've done for them cant even be remembered, appreciated or make them treat me decently, then nothing I could have ever done in the future would have made a difference anyway.
And then you're free.
I'm smarter than I was 5 minutes ago and so grateful to have learned this tonight. I may be at the very beginning of understanding things but at least I'm starting to make sense of things. I'm not like "omfg I'm tough now don't trust nobody f the world" kind of deal haha, I'm just really glad I can see 20/20.
So I guess in all that time I was away she was cooking. Our Austin trip was full of laughs, shopping, relaxing and eating! It ended up being a lovely time for the 3 of us and another road trip is already in the works for next spring. Unfortunately soon after we returned, my grandfather suffered a heart attack and was in a coma for 9 days before he passed away. Never in my life had I felt so comforted and loved by Jesus. I felt him so prominent, so near, It was the hardest time I'd ever had but I was not alone and I grieved the loss of my dear grandfather whom I named my son after.
Even though I knew he was in heaven, nothing can keep you from feeling the loss of a loved one. After he passed in early April, I had missed so much school from being at the hospital day in and day out, that I had to drop my classes. I had a very mean and heartless teacher who said to me "you say you've been at the hospital but you seem perfectly contrite to me." Couldn't believe how cruel she was. I threw myself into a new job I got at a daycare next to my house to get my mind away from loss. Valentin and I both stayed there for 5 months until school started again and I absolutely couldn't juggle work, school and my son anymore.
School has been great and I am taking my finals next week. I'll be off probation from financial aid so I can get help to pay for classes next semester and that god for that! School is expensive. Becoming a stay at home mom again was hard on Valentin and I both. I had used up most of my patience at the daycare and he had too. we had to learn to get along just us two again. Its taken a couple of months but we're finally back on a good rhythm. Play dates and managing our accounts along with a midday nap is really nice and I'm grateful that I can live like this for now.
The real reason I looked for an outlet to write today is because I came to a very valuable realization. Sometimes no matter how much you've been there for someone, or how much kindness and love you've shown them or abuse you've taken from them, it may never be enough to make them see you as someone worth respecting or treating fairly. Including and not limited to: you're own family i.e. your mom. Sometimes people demand respect from you and no matter how much you know you do respect them, they will still always expect to wipe their feet on you like a door mat. Through hospital stays, illness, recovering from surgery, even giving them rides when they need them. It doesn't amount to anything with certain people sometimes. That's when the epiphany dawned on me:
If all I've done for them cant even be remembered, appreciated or make them treat me decently, then nothing I could have ever done in the future would have made a difference anyway.
And then you're free.
I'm smarter than I was 5 minutes ago and so grateful to have learned this tonight. I may be at the very beginning of understanding things but at least I'm starting to make sense of things. I'm not like "omfg I'm tough now don't trust nobody f the world" kind of deal haha, I'm just really glad I can see 20/20.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
March brings the wind
been a little while since I've updated but I can't seem to get writing out of my system and I'm not sure I even want to! Tumblr used to be a pretty good outlet for writing for me but it just didn't feel personal, plus I NEVER got anything done once I started scrolling so I deleted my account. It's always been important to me to keep in touch with myself and "check in" so to speak and writing has aways been it for me. So I'm back and like any person who's hopeful to keep a promise, I say this time is for real.
Valentin turns two this Saturday. These past couple of years have been so good to us and I am beyond grateful to god that I was blessed with the most amazing family. Valentin is talkative and a little demanding! But extremely polite. He always asks "please" and never forgets to say "thank you" Yo Gabba Gabba helped a bit with those magic words. Valentin stopped nursing about two months ago and I would be lying if I said it wasn't difficult on us both. It really only took a few days to wean him however, I felt like we were losing our special bond. I felt like nothing was going to fill that void and we would forever be different. On the second day I had an uncontrollable sobbing fit and when I say uncontrollable I'm not exaggerating. I was walking into the shoe store to pick up some sweet sandals I found the day before for 80% off plus my friend and old co-workers discount. I walked in, face wet, eyes red and blubbering lips. My girlfriends laughed a little at my hormonal crying but they were sweet and consoling so I left a little bit better than I arrived, sandals in hand.
We're having a small gathering on Sunday even though his birthday is on the 8th. For his first birthday we pushed all the way to June so we could have a warm pool party at our local aquatic center. Valentin ended up sleeping through his whole party we forget to snap any photos and the pool was so full we barely swam! So this year we're not pushing it by much understandably so! Our local Zoo is unveiling an intricate new tree house and we may just mosey over on Valentin's birthday with a celebratory cupcake and two candles on them.
We planned a road trip in a couple of weeks to Austin. This is our first going to Austin, ever. pretty embarrassing considering we've been Texans our whole lives! But we're making up for lost time and making the most out of this mini vacation. We've booked a beautiful hotel in downtown Austin, we know where the food trucks are, and we are going to do some serious shopping. I don't think there's another little family quite as fond of food trailers as we are. We like really love truck food...
This month is also my Mom's wedding. She's finally marrying the man of her dreams and I'm immensely happy for them both. he's a country guy and we all absolutely adore him and took an instant liking to him, even and especially Valentin. His name is Eric and He's the football coach at the school my mother teaches at,the rest is history now. The wedding will be in a vineyard. casual chic. My sister and I are wearing beautiful cream colored dressings and our husbands are going to be wearing Tuxedo's. Valentin and my two little brothers will also be tux clad. There's going to be live music gourmet sit down dinner and wine on a starlit patio. I absolutely cannot wait! I have to make head pieces for my mom, my sister and I and I'm positively stuck.
I started teaching kinder sunday school at my church this month as well and I absolutely love it. Teaching children is so rewarding and fun. The church has a curriculum that teaches about the bible in a way the young children can understand and I absolutely love it! I consider myself so lucky to be able to get this experience because ultimately when I finish school I'll be teaching elementary school so this is truly the best hands on experience I can get right now. Plus I get to serve god so it's a major win-win.
I started the application process this week for my old job at the shoe store and I hope all goes well. It's a part time position and I think Valentin and I are both ready. School has been pretty demanding also with Math and English Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I'm keeping up without a hiccup though and I'm so grateful that Valentin and Chris get to spend time together while I'm at school. Chris and I have been looking for a home for a while now and we're really going to narrow it down at the end of this month after our Austin trip. Living with my in-laws was fun and helpful when Valentin was a baby, but now it's pretty crowded. we can barely fit each of our clothes and shoes in here. So it's time to set off now as a family, we're ready.
I can't wait to share everything here, I promise this time will be different.
Valentin turns two this Saturday. These past couple of years have been so good to us and I am beyond grateful to god that I was blessed with the most amazing family. Valentin is talkative and a little demanding! But extremely polite. He always asks "please" and never forgets to say "thank you" Yo Gabba Gabba helped a bit with those magic words. Valentin stopped nursing about two months ago and I would be lying if I said it wasn't difficult on us both. It really only took a few days to wean him however, I felt like we were losing our special bond. I felt like nothing was going to fill that void and we would forever be different. On the second day I had an uncontrollable sobbing fit and when I say uncontrollable I'm not exaggerating. I was walking into the shoe store to pick up some sweet sandals I found the day before for 80% off plus my friend and old co-workers discount. I walked in, face wet, eyes red and blubbering lips. My girlfriends laughed a little at my hormonal crying but they were sweet and consoling so I left a little bit better than I arrived, sandals in hand.
We're having a small gathering on Sunday even though his birthday is on the 8th. For his first birthday we pushed all the way to June so we could have a warm pool party at our local aquatic center. Valentin ended up sleeping through his whole party we forget to snap any photos and the pool was so full we barely swam! So this year we're not pushing it by much understandably so! Our local Zoo is unveiling an intricate new tree house and we may just mosey over on Valentin's birthday with a celebratory cupcake and two candles on them.
We planned a road trip in a couple of weeks to Austin. This is our first going to Austin, ever. pretty embarrassing considering we've been Texans our whole lives! But we're making up for lost time and making the most out of this mini vacation. We've booked a beautiful hotel in downtown Austin, we know where the food trucks are, and we are going to do some serious shopping. I don't think there's another little family quite as fond of food trailers as we are. We like really love truck food...
This month is also my Mom's wedding. She's finally marrying the man of her dreams and I'm immensely happy for them both. he's a country guy and we all absolutely adore him and took an instant liking to him, even and especially Valentin. His name is Eric and He's the football coach at the school my mother teaches at,the rest is history now. The wedding will be in a vineyard. casual chic. My sister and I are wearing beautiful cream colored dressings and our husbands are going to be wearing Tuxedo's. Valentin and my two little brothers will also be tux clad. There's going to be live music gourmet sit down dinner and wine on a starlit patio. I absolutely cannot wait! I have to make head pieces for my mom, my sister and I and I'm positively stuck.
I started teaching kinder sunday school at my church this month as well and I absolutely love it. Teaching children is so rewarding and fun. The church has a curriculum that teaches about the bible in a way the young children can understand and I absolutely love it! I consider myself so lucky to be able to get this experience because ultimately when I finish school I'll be teaching elementary school so this is truly the best hands on experience I can get right now. Plus I get to serve god so it's a major win-win.
I started the application process this week for my old job at the shoe store and I hope all goes well. It's a part time position and I think Valentin and I are both ready. School has been pretty demanding also with Math and English Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I'm keeping up without a hiccup though and I'm so grateful that Valentin and Chris get to spend time together while I'm at school. Chris and I have been looking for a home for a while now and we're really going to narrow it down at the end of this month after our Austin trip. Living with my in-laws was fun and helpful when Valentin was a baby, but now it's pretty crowded. we can barely fit each of our clothes and shoes in here. So it's time to set off now as a family, we're ready.
I can't wait to share everything here, I promise this time will be different.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
THROWWWWWBACK!
In my never ending journey of self love and discovery I find myself missing home. When I say "home" I'm not referring to a place I lived, but the music and people I loved.
Marina.
Marina.
I met and became instant friends with Marina when we were 11 years old at vacation bible camp. She is one of the only people I can actually say shaped me into who I am. We never went to the same school but could not be kept apart we always had weekend sleepovers and sometimes I'd even stay the whole weekend and it was nonstop laughter. I even remember Spending holidays together thanksgiving and Christmas were shared; her family always embraced me as their own and I always felt like one of them. She is the sister I never had and even though we were the same age I always felt I was learning from her like a big sister. Staying up all night making hilarious videos and watching Lord Of the Rings and love scenes from movies was a funny pastime but we didn't care we had the best time! Years flew by and we became teenage girls with boyfriends and dramas. Slowly we grew apart. I missed our friendship but life had thrown us up in the air, left us in free fall for so long until we finally hit the ground and landed on opposite ends of the universe it seemed. It had been 3 years since we hung out and my god it was overdue.
We weren't even half done catching up but we only had so much time. It was nothing short of another silly and fun girls night just like before and it made my heart warm and even a little bit fuller. I can't wait to explore this new Grown up friendship with her because she was a missing piece and I feel like I got it back! In light of this reminiscing feeling I'm going back to my roots with my music also. I'm all about Mae and the Destination Beautiful album, Brand New deja entendu, and Death Cab For Cutie Transatlanticism too. It takes me back and it makes me feel 13 again and I love it, nothing else makes me feel more like myself or more sane.
I'm taking care of my grandma during the day its been a week since she had her knee replacement surgery. Its really great to be able to help and I really enjoy being there for my family. I know everyone says family will be there for each other and blood is thicker than water but its nice to actually prove it.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
3 best jams of the moment.
Lindstrom and Christabelle -Lovesick
Maximum Balloon -Tiger
Cheers Elephant - Peoples
They are hardly of the moment since these songs are far from new but they are still my top faves right now :D
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
pretty groovy.
So after some much needed soul searching I decided to go with my original idea and major in education.
I am a person who strongly believes in god and that each and every little thing that happens in our life all contributes to the big picture. I do believe in signs. I'll tell you what I mean.
a few weeks ago Valentin and I were leaving the grocery store and as always I can't keep my hands off my little man I'm constantly hugging and kissing him and tickling him because I adore him and can't help myself. I'm giving him a big kiss as I'm about to put him in his carseat and this older man sees me and he stops and says "You better kiss him as much as you can because they grow up so fast and you'll remember them this little and wonder where the time went!" I stopped and I said your right that's exactly why I'm staying home with him full time. He said "That's why I'm glad I was a teacher because when they were off so was I and I'm grateful for that time we had". This resonated with me and straight out of high school I always said I wanted to teach. My mom is a teacher one of my best friends teaches 1st grade, and the most influential person I ever met was a teacher of mine as well.
I believe it was a sign that the older man spoke to me because ultimately it was what he told me that helped me make my decision. I love my son and being off of school at the same time would be great. I want to make the most of these short years that I have with him.
My first 2 classes will be a remedial math class and English. The funny thing is Chris and I are possibly going to be in the same English class. He has to retake it and get an A to get into his Program in 2014 which is only months away! Being in the same class with him seems so strange since we've never really been in school at the same time ever. So when he told me he had to retake that class we both couldn't help but smile allot even after we tried to hide it! We've never seen each other in that kind of setting so its very new and exciting and...kinda hot!
I am a person who strongly believes in god and that each and every little thing that happens in our life all contributes to the big picture. I do believe in signs. I'll tell you what I mean.
a few weeks ago Valentin and I were leaving the grocery store and as always I can't keep my hands off my little man I'm constantly hugging and kissing him and tickling him because I adore him and can't help myself. I'm giving him a big kiss as I'm about to put him in his carseat and this older man sees me and he stops and says "You better kiss him as much as you can because they grow up so fast and you'll remember them this little and wonder where the time went!" I stopped and I said your right that's exactly why I'm staying home with him full time. He said "That's why I'm glad I was a teacher because when they were off so was I and I'm grateful for that time we had". This resonated with me and straight out of high school I always said I wanted to teach. My mom is a teacher one of my best friends teaches 1st grade, and the most influential person I ever met was a teacher of mine as well.
I believe it was a sign that the older man spoke to me because ultimately it was what he told me that helped me make my decision. I love my son and being off of school at the same time would be great. I want to make the most of these short years that I have with him.
My first 2 classes will be a remedial math class and English. The funny thing is Chris and I are possibly going to be in the same English class. He has to retake it and get an A to get into his Program in 2014 which is only months away! Being in the same class with him seems so strange since we've never really been in school at the same time ever. So when he told me he had to retake that class we both couldn't help but smile allot even after we tried to hide it! We've never seen each other in that kind of setting so its very new and exciting and...kinda hot!
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