I keep waking up around 3

This comes and goes but lately its been consistent. I lay in bed until Chris wakes up at 5 or 6 I make his breakfast and coffee so he can take it to school, bub is usually asleep through all this which makes it allot easier. I keep having these nightmares maybe i watch too many movies....


I watched Melancholia the day before that Asteroid was going to fly by, I swear i hadn't heard about it until after i watched the movie otherwise i would have steered clear! I know I've mentioned that i'm anxious and paranoid at best when it comes to doomsday stuff and end of the world theories. I can get a little carried away. I remind myself that God is with us always and we need only have faith and i get over it but the first thoughts are the heaviest. It was visually stunning. It was similar in the way it was filmed to Antichrist plus Charlotte Gainsbourg was one of the leads in that movie also, both are directed by Lars von Trier he's releasing yet another film with Charlotte Gainsboug as the main character called Nymphomaniac. That devastatingly handsome blonde Vampire from True blood was in Melancholia and will also be in his next film.

Life at home lately has been lovely. I've fully enjoyed staying at home with our son for the past year almost, I'm planning for morning classes in the fall i still don't feel great about leaving Valentin at daycare but the college offers childcare which i feel better about because at least we'll be close to each other and only apart for a couple of hours a day. I don't really want to go back to doing cosmetology again, i'm ready to study for something bigger. We are celebrating Valentins first birthday next month with tickets to Yo Gabba Gabba live! I can't wait to see the look on his little face to see his favorite characters in person. His teeth are all starting to come in at the same time it seems i guess its because he sprouted his first tooth just 2 months ago so they are all in a hurry to come in. I'm keeping the baby tylenol on hand even though he's hardly been fussy at all. I'll be starting to wean him off the breast late next month I know it is going to be difficult but the way i see it we really haven't even scraped the surface on the difficult things, this little boy has only been here a year lets give it another few and i'll be wishing things were as easy as they are now.

Wednesday last week i took advantage of an amazing deal on Fortyeight its a sister site to Solestruck my all time favorite shoe store. I've mentioned them before you really can't beat their prices and they always have the Jeffrey Campbells i'm pining for! Basically fortyeight has an event for shoes up to 80% off but only for 48 hours. This past wedenesday was their first event i believe and they featured Jeffrey Campbell, Doc Martens, Cheap  Monday and Miista. So basically its first come first serve and once they are sold thats it. I was able to get these JCs at 40% off :)

All i have are heels and wedges from jc but no flats or sandals, this is an excellent point Chris made and pretty much talked me into taking them. I'm 5'0 and curvy which isn't the best combination so i'm always trying to look a little taller and longer.

My dear Grandfather, the original Valentin celebrated his birthday on Valentines day and we had a party for him on saturday at my aunts house. It was unequivocal bliss, they served "Cabrito" which is baby goat in spanish and its exactly what he wanted he was so happy the whole time and it lit my heart up. There was a young man there playing guitar and singing all the spanish favorites and each time we would clap and sometimes sing along. My little Valentin was getting an allergic reaction to something and kept rubbing his eye and it was getting red and swollen i didn't have his zyrtec with me so we had to go home but before we did i gave my grandfather his gift. There were 3 hand painted tins in the shape of a pineapple, a swordfish, and  a boat each to remind him of  Mazatlan Mexico his favorite place to visit, mine also. Our family used to vacation there reguarly but ever since My Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer at the end of 2010 there has been little to no vacations. I'm hoping God will allow us all to take a trip there together soon I want my son to see the ocean and i want to be there with my whole family and especially my grandfather.

Contrasts

Its taken me years but i can finally narrow down the best way to describe myself in the most accurate way.

I love contrasts.

So simple. I love one extreme and it's exact opposite,  I am hardly ever in between I like both ends of the spectrum in every aspect of my life. I'm passionate about anything that i do and i'm drawn to passionate people whatever it may be that they are passionate about. Seeing that kind of genuine infatuation with something makes me giddy. I remeber once when cnn was on in the break room of the call center i was working at at the time i saw the protests all over the world and i fell so in love with them. This sounds weird and maybe its just the way i put things but, i really did. I saw this video today its a band called Urban Struggles they played a show here in El Paso last night and i caught this video on tumblr from another local. I saw it and i fell in love. Not because the singer is naked ok (i'm married and fucking crazy for my man) but there is passion here! The people here don't care what people think of them they are having a good time and they are passionate about the music. I love this. Plain and simple i fucking love the passion they have it is completely inspiring to me.

good vibrations

The highlight of my week was seeing one of my very favorite artists Toro Y Moi live!!!! It was amazing i had this incredible feeling the entire time i just couldn't stop smiling. Nothing for me is more enjoyable and satisfying than seeing live music especially when it is artists i know and love. The show was at this gorgeous venue Tricky Falls here in El Paso that Jim Ward (singer of Sparta and former memeber of At The Drive In) owns, He also owns the very chic bar upstairs called Bowie Feathers. It was me and Chris plus my two best friends Amanda and Melanie It is almost always us four when we get a chance to go out and its never ever a dull moment!

 Chris mom is the only person I've ever trusted to watch our Valentin, no one else has ever babysat for us and probably never will to be quite honest. This means we book her at least a month or two in advance to babysit so we can see a show, or go to a party or a bar. We're perfectly ok with this since our son is the most important part of our life his growing up in a healthy safe environment is prority one and honestly bars and shows will always be around but Valentin will not always be our baby. He's growing everyday i just want to go back again just for a little while just to smell his hair when he was a newborn and just to hold my tiny boy in my arms just after he was born. It almost feels tragic that you can never ever go back again it feel like sand slipping through my finger no matter what i can't hold on to the present very long because we are constantly moving forward with more speed each and every day it seems but i'm still none the less so grateful and proud to be a mother.

I feel good about the fact that we are at home the majority of the time with our son and no matter what we do or where we go he is always with us and thats important. When i was very small up until i was a teenager my mom would leave me and sister with babysitters and her friends all the time because she wanted to be clubbing and partying all the time and because of that allot of not good things happened to us it was always weirder for me since i was younger my sister is 3 years older than me so she kind of went along with things she was old enough to know what was going on. Fast forward 10 years and i spent the entirety of my teenage years babysitting my two little brothers while my mom went out thursday through saturday nights. I guess some people don't get the night life out of their system no matter their age. I really don't ever want to be like that. We're satisfied going out once a month or every other month we know we aren't missing out on much anyway but it just makes it all the more fun because we don't always do it and those nights are memorable.


In many ways i am still getting to know myself, but i do know exactly what i do not want to be and thats half the journey.

Hookey

Chris took the day off today and we had a little play day :) First we took little man to his dentist appointment. He's got his two bottom teeth but you can see a little of his canine tooth coming in he's been pretty good not fussy so i didn't think he was teething but boy was i wrong! Then I had a hair appointment, my hair was getting pretty nasty at the ends (doesn't help that Valentin likes to pull my hair when he's nursing!)After that we drove over to Crave which is a really good place to eat if your ever in El Paso(looove the 808 burger). Bub slept while Chris and i had a grown up drink each over lunch and laughed and talked a while. We saw This Is 40 after lunch which was hilarious! I was literally laughing from the beginning to the end it was too funny! Michaels has a 3 for 1$ acrylic paint sale and its right behind the theater so we moseyed over and we bought some pretty paints. Chris hates going to craft stores with me but i remind him that it benefits him too because he lets me paint his plugs :) the more variety the better! We finally came home to chill for a bit and i popped over to the grocery store to buy some salmon to make which ended up taking almost an hour because there were only two lanes open (why do grocery stores do this? idgi) i bought my very first succulent while i was there and painted the pot this evening inspired by this pin and it came out beautifully and only took about 10 minutes! What i really want is to make a hanging terrarium like the one i saw here on Yesterday's sweetheart now that is an awesome project! We ended our night with dinner and putting Valentin to bed and doing a little hobby time individually. An amazing end to our week!

growing.

The hour is late but i sit here in the dark while little man sleeps and chris gets his fix of call of duty. My favorite thing is to write, always has been only there isn't always time these days but thats ok. I've been thinking of this post for a long time and i think my train of thought is developed enough to share so here goes:



I loathe the person i used to be.




Yeah so let me elaborate a little on that.

For a really long time i was a stuck up, judgemental, snake-y, negative and even a coniving person. I thought everything and everyone was doing something to hurt me  or trying to make nasty remarks at me. for the longest time i was in a horrible place with no room to grow. I didn't know how to take criticism or take advice i was always ready to pounce, to argue to fight, to win. Because thats what communication between my mom and i was like. It was the most exhausting thing I swear it aged me. Everywhere i turned there were walls.

I learned to survive at home with my mom everyday it was a new disaster, a new fight she would make things up just for sport. I learned to adapt but when things fell out and i left for the last time i was completely fucked up  (excuse my language) but the way i learned to joust at home didn't work in the real world and it took me years to start thinking normal. It affected my jobs my schooling even my relationships with friends. A normal moment in my head would have gone like this "what did she mean by that? was she reffering to me? are we friends anymore? i don't care i don't want anything to do with her anyways she is a bitch i don't trust her" .......yeah scary right?


I don't think i even really realize how warped and immature i was. That was 3 years ago and i'm really happy to say that i'm a kind and caring person who doesn't take things out of context or look for fights anymore. I have overcome my self doubt. Allot of the positive change comes from my son and my relentlessly loving husband and his amazing parents, but above all: God. I have learned to adapt to a new way of living, re-wiring myself was really hard though and has taken years. I still have some days where i doubt myself a little but i remind myself how strong i am and how far i've come and those doubts dissolve. I have really discovered who i am through this whole thing and i'm really close to being the person i have always wanted to be. I'm genuinely happy. My relationship with my mother will unfortunately always suffer but thats something i can't control, i can only control myself. I'm so proud of myself i know that sounds weird but i am, i did this all on my own i changed who i was for the better. Thats a huge accomplishment and no one can take that away.

hello 2013!

I can't believe we're still here! Just kidding I never really bought into that Mayan calendar thing....Truthfully i did....and I had been dreading it for like 4 years since I first heard about it in high school! Something i'm embarrassed to admit is i'm always buying into how the world will end or what will happen to humanity, how we'll all die ect. When i was 7 years old all the older kids at my elementary school would talk about a huge commet hitting earth in 2000 and y2k wiping everyone out and i remeber like playing at P.E. time with my peers and just looking at all their beautiful faces and thinking "we're all going to die soon!" Ugh i get so obsessed with something and i even get really sad  so much that it affects my daily life and then Chris finally shakes me out of it but my goodness i wish i wasn't so gullible with these theories. Shit is damaging to my health!

On a good note I have decided after months and months, to start a small business this year! I am so so excited to do this i'm mapping everything out, have been for 3 weeks now its going to be a slow project i really want to do it right so i can always have this to lean back on. I'm an entrepreneur it runs in my family, so i got this. I just need a name and i already know what i'm going to be making and selling but over time that could change into something else so the name has to be pretty general which makes it more fun :)

Neither Chris nor I have been to crossfit since the beginning of december. We had two family members in and out of the hospital plus a death in the family needless to say christmas was not celebrated this year. December was relentless.

Chris and I both miss crossfit, we need to feel like we killed it, pushed ourselves to the edge and over it, like we accomplished something physically challenging everyday. With his new school schedule though we're going to only have one window to go and we're going to have to take turns with Valentin so its going to be pretty hard but thats what it costs.

January 31st is fast approaching! well sort of... Toro Y Moi one of my favorite artists ever, is playing a show here in el paso! I'm such a nerd i bought our tickets back in october! Whatever, i love them and i'm all about making future plans to be excited about :) I cannot wait!!!

Valentin's first birthday is coming up also; March the 8th this little boy turns 1 and for his birthday, that following monday we will be at Yo Gabba Gabba live at the plaza theater here in our wonderful city!

Lots of good stuff coming up i can't wait! I'm looking forward to taking a few classes next fall once valentin is a little bit older also and hopefully by then i'll have a good solid grip on running my business so i can continue staying home with my little man too

meh!

cookie cutter

This in a way is becoming my new LJ I will probably always keep my LJ though its been private since the day i created it and then deleted and recreated probably once every two years since i was 13 which i totally regret now i'd give anything to still have those entries. I am happy with my life but for some reason i feel like i constantly need to be proving that or something. Why? I guess because people say having kids young ruins your life and i just want to prove them wrong, that i truly 100% am so happy every single day! I wish i could shout it from a mountain or in the middle of a crowd or just write about it over and over which i already do and its annoying even me. I want people to see that it can work and this it worked out so wonderfully for me this is better than any vision i ever pictured of me in my 20s. Why the need to tell people? why does it matter what they think? why do i care? who the fuck cares? I wouldn’t be a better, happier, or more respectable person if I had a piece of paper (thats says i could do a job i probably wouldnt be able to find in this economy anyway) and $30,000 in  student loan debt before i'm 25 would I? I do plan on having an education but on my terms and at my own pace. Ok i'm ready to move on to better things. I'm going to start my own business and help support my family so i can continue to stay at home with my son. I believe with all my heart that i can do it and i just so deeply want to be a good mother and raise a decent boy with a good conscience and morals who is independent and thinks for himself and questions things instead of just going along with everyone else. I have so much passion for many things and i'm always looking for ways to express myself; making things with my hands, creating things, putting my ideas in motion, and of course my favorite immediate release: writing. I used to be so articulate and eloquent with my vocabulary i felt so completely honest whenever i spoke because i laced my sentences my words together so beautifully and i feel like i've lost it a little bit along the way and speaking is just another expression. When i've lost the words though i don't feel like me.