Wow! so much has happened and changed since March and I can't believe I haven't updated not once for 9 months! A baby could have been baked in that time! In fact a baby was! Our dear friends Michelle and Andy had a sweet little girl two weeks ago and her name is Madeline. Madeline is gorgeous and a little sister to Valentin's best friend, Liam.
So I guess in all that time I was away she was cooking. Our Austin trip was full of laughs, shopping, relaxing and eating! It ended up being a lovely time for the 3 of us and another road trip is already in the works for next spring. Unfortunately soon after we returned, my grandfather suffered a heart attack and was in a coma for 9 days before he passed away. Never in my life had I felt so comforted and loved by Jesus. I felt him so prominent, so near, It was the hardest time I'd ever had but I was not alone and I grieved the loss of my dear grandfather whom I named my son after.
Even though I knew he was in heaven, nothing can keep you from feeling the loss of a loved one. After he passed in early April, I had missed so much school from being at the hospital day in and day out, that I had to drop my classes. I had a very mean and heartless teacher who said to me "you say you've been at the hospital but you seem perfectly contrite to me." Couldn't believe how cruel she was. I threw myself into a new job I got at a daycare next to my house to get my mind away from loss. Valentin and I both stayed there for 5 months until school started again and I absolutely couldn't juggle work, school and my son anymore.
School has been great and I am taking my finals next week. I'll be off probation from financial aid so I can get help to pay for classes next semester and that god for that! School is expensive. Becoming a stay at home mom again was hard on Valentin and I both. I had used up most of my patience at the daycare and he had too. we had to learn to get along just us two again. Its taken a couple of months but we're finally back on a good rhythm. Play dates and managing our accounts along with a midday nap is really nice and I'm grateful that I can live like this for now.
The real reason I looked for an outlet to write today is because I came to a very valuable realization. Sometimes no matter how much you've been there for someone, or how much kindness and love you've shown them or abuse you've taken from them, it may never be enough to make them see you as someone worth respecting or treating fairly. Including and not limited to: you're own family i.e. your mom. Sometimes people demand respect from you and no matter how much you know you do respect them, they will still always expect to wipe their feet on you like a door mat. Through hospital stays, illness, recovering from surgery, even giving them rides when they need them. It doesn't amount to anything with certain people sometimes. That's when the epiphany dawned on me:
If all I've done for them cant even be remembered, appreciated or make them treat me decently, then nothing I could have ever done in the future would have made a difference anyway.
And then you're free.
I'm smarter than I was 5 minutes ago and so grateful to have learned this tonight. I may be at the very beginning of understanding things but at least I'm starting to make sense of things. I'm not like "omfg I'm tough now don't trust nobody f the world" kind of deal haha, I'm just really glad I can see 20/20.
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