THROWWWWWBACK!

In my never ending journey of self love and discovery I find myself missing home. When I say "home" I'm not referring to a place I lived, but the music and people I loved.

Marina.

 

 

 

I met and became instant friends with Marina when we were 11 years old at vacation bible camp. She is one of the only people I can actually say shaped me into who I am. We never went to the same school but could not be kept apart we always had weekend sleepovers and sometimes I'd even stay the whole weekend and it was nonstop laughter. I even remember Spending holidays together thanksgiving and Christmas were shared; her family always embraced me as their own and I always felt like one of them. She is the sister I never had and even though we were the same age I always felt I was learning from her like a big sister. Staying up all night making hilarious videos and watching Lord Of the Rings and love scenes from movies was a funny pastime but we didn't care we had the best time! Years flew by and we became teenage girls with boyfriends and dramas. Slowly we grew apart. I missed our friendship but life had thrown us up in the air, left us in free fall for so long until we finally hit the ground and landed on opposite ends of the universe it seemed. It had been 3 years since we hung out and my god it was overdue.

 

   We weren't even half done catching up but we only had so much time. It was nothing short of another silly and fun girls night just like before and it made my heart warm and even a little bit fuller. I can't wait to explore this new Grown up friendship with her because she was a missing piece and I feel like I got it back! In light of this reminiscing feeling I'm going back to my roots with my music also. I'm all about Mae and the Destination Beautiful album, Brand New deja entendu, and Death Cab For Cutie Transatlanticism too. It takes me back and it makes me feel 13 again and I love it, nothing else makes me feel more like myself or more sane.

 

 

I'm taking care of my grandma during the day its been a week since she had her knee replacement surgery. Its really great to be able to help and I really enjoy being there for my family. I know everyone says family will be there for each other and blood is thicker than water but its nice to actually prove it.

 

 

 

 

3 best jams of the moment.

                                               Lindstrom and Christabelle -Lovesick

 

 

Maximum Balloon -Tiger

 

 

Cheers Elephant - Peoples

 

 

 

 

They are hardly of the moment since these songs are far from new but they are still my top faves right now :D

pretty groovy.

So after some much needed soul searching I decided to go with my original idea and major in education.

I am a person who strongly believes in god and that each and every little thing that happens in our life all contributes to the big picture. I do believe in signs. I'll tell you what I mean.

a few weeks ago Valentin and I were leaving the grocery store and as always I can't keep my hands off my little man I'm constantly hugging and kissing him and tickling him because I adore him and can't help myself. I'm giving him a big kiss as I'm about to put him in his carseat  and this older man sees me and he stops and says "You better kiss him as much as you can because they grow up so fast and you'll remember them this little and wonder where the time went!" I stopped and I said your right that's exactly why I'm staying home with him full time. He said "That's why I'm glad I was a teacher because when they were off so was I and I'm grateful for that time we had". This resonated with me and straight out of high school I always said I wanted to teach. My mom is a teacher one of my best friends teaches 1st grade, and the most influential person I ever met was a teacher of mine as well.

I believe it was a sign that the older man spoke to me because ultimately it was what he told me that helped me make my decision. I love my son and being off of school at the same time would be great. I want to make the most of these short years that I have with him.


My first 2 classes will be a remedial math class and English. The funny thing is Chris and I are possibly going to be in the same English class. He has to retake it and get an A to get into his Program in 2014 which is only months away! Being in the same class with him seems so strange since we've never really been in school at the same time ever. So when he told me he had to retake that class we both couldn't help but smile allot even after we tried to hide it! We've never seen each other in that kind of setting so its very new and exciting and...kinda hot!

a night spent wet.

So it turns out there was a flash flood warning while we were out so the night did not necessarily go as planned.

The night ended with Chris clearing the dance floor and dancing up a storm it was definitely one for the books and only appropriate that all eyes were him on his special night.

I'll be registering for classes this week which I'm entirely excited about.  Baby steps is the key at least the way I see it. Start with a couple classes now move on up little by little until Valentin is off to preschool; And make myself the successful entrepreneur boss bitch I always knew I was.

We've got family in from out of town this week. Sometimes I wonder if I'm completely crazy for wanting a little breathing room. My husbands family insists on doing EVERYTHING together ALL day EVERY day. I do love them but I wish we could get a little breather sometimes.

My sweet mama got this adorable onesie for little man

Son, I couldn't agree more!

birthday festivities

Chris my one, my only, father of my son, husband and best friend. Its yo birthday!!!!!! 25  never looked so good honey.



Today deserves a special post because obviously its Chris birthday weekend and

We're going out tonight!

Friends will come from all corners of the city to our favorite Westside spots to celebrate our beloved Chris. If you read my blog then you know we rarely leave our son Valentin with a sitter (the sitter being my mother in law) I do love her and trust only her to watch our little man; But still I feel like as his mom its my sole responsibility to be with him entirely.

But on rare occasions like this I fully enjoy a night to unwind :)


So Our first stop will be our ultimate favorite Hope and Anchor. Personally I'd rather end the night there since its our fave but its birthday boys choice!

P.S. I can't choose which polka dotted items to wear tonight. Thought?

 

Also this is my tumblr: la-sirena-la-mer.tumblr.com/

Sweet baby jesus

 

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

 

so much to say and nowhere to begin

Things around here have been go go go! Everything is moving so quickly and in so many positive  ways. I feel like gushing just thinking about it. The last time I updated was back in May and I was so excited to go to our annual neon desert music festival. Well we went and we only really saw some of Wolfgang Gartner, Molotov, and Martin Solveig. We missed Best Coast :( but as music festivals go its always a swap amiright? I've been falling back in love with myself and its really cool because I haven't felt this happy with myself in a long time. The more comfortable I am being 100% myself the more I fall in love with the person I truly am. Its getting so much easier to live in my own skin and I love it. I'm so happy :)


I think I've mentioned my struggles with friends in the past but my problem was that I was putting all my eggs in one basket and well... it was a really shitty batch of eggs.... so I'm branching out and making new friends which is an entirely new concept to me but it is going exceptionally well! I have 2 entirely new friends and I chose to befriend them because I can see they have genuinely good hearts and are good people and we've been hanging out allot lately. But I've been talking to new people and being less afraid and everyone has been really sweet and receptive to me.


Valentin is doing really well he says new words every day it seems! He is so smart and I see more and more of his personality everyday. He is such an incredible little man and I feel lucky to be his mother. He's been having play dates with friends and he's learning a lot about social interaction. I pretty much get to see what it will be like if we decide to have another baby someday! I am not ready at all for a new baby and I'm doing everything I can to protect myself but it seems like we don't have a choice sometimes. By that I mean IUDs don't always work, the pill isn't foolproof and the shot.....well I am not even sure. I got a mini heart attack the other day when a friend of ours told u she had her IUD in when her Dr revealed she was pregnant. It made me feel like me being on the pill didn't even stand a chance. I'm happy with just my little man right now and I really hope it will stay that way.

I've been doing test prep all summer for the accuplacer. I plan on taking only a couple of classes this fall since Valentin is a little bit older now he nurses less so I can start on the college course. Its going to be a very slow ride and honestly I'm in no rush. My family is still priority one and being home to raise my son is the most important thing to me. That's why I'm only taking 1-2 classes depending on the length of time they last I don't want to be gone more than 2 hours a day; But I do undertsnad the importance of starting on a path now so by the time little man goes to pre school I'll be getting somewhere.

One thing I haven't been giving allot of attention to is my body... this is so not good and I hate feeling like I'm neglecting my physical well being but my god Its hard to fit it in! I own the P90X DVDs but I'm gonna be 100% honest I'm so intimidated by them that I haven't even started. I felt the same about crossfit but I carried through with that so i'm sure I can handle this, again it all ties into not having the time.

Studio Ghibli isn't something I've ever been interested in before but tumblr has really made them appeal to me so now I'm trying to watch them all!

Well this is everything in a nutshell and I have so much more to say but it is so late and I need sleep!

au revoir!

Fest Best

So natuarally since i'm trying to figure myself out and i'm trying things on to see if they fit my blog is gonna change very often and probably the name of this blog also. Until i find something that fits for the long haul!

So tomorrow is the long awaited Neon Desert Music Festival!

We bought GA tickets this year, we did VIP last year andi'm not sure it was worth the 150 clams we paid. We did not get our free lunch or edible arrangments the separate bathroom was just as bad as the regular because there was literally 1 bathroom for all of vip and like 50 for general admission so that was dumb. Oh and you could drink for free but you couldn't take your beverage with you to enjoy the fest you had to finish it in vip i mean come on! Chris being the hustler that he is found a way around that though gotta love that man! So that ultimately influenced our decision to not do vip this year.

All the bands i want to watch are pretty much all after 9pm which works out pretty good for us because i didn't feel good about leaving our bub all day :/ made me feel selfish and not a great mom so this is a won win for us!

Here is the lineup In my personal opinion i don't think it will ever be as good as the very first year but hey agree to disagree!

My faves this year will probably be Molotov,Best Coast (come on ladies wouldn't you just die?!) Martin Solveig, and Wolfgang Gartner. I am smitten with a good beat and heavy low bass. I'm a EDM lover at heart i truly am but i still like a bit of everything. Speaking of EDM:

 

 

Totally looking forward to this one :D

classic

So i feel like somewhere in the past maybe 3 months i started really turning things around and for this i am so grateful to god. I am putting myself out there and not fearing so much and being more creative. I used to be so original and new and i kinda lost it along with myself across the years but i am back! In a way its like learning evrything all over again i used to reinvent myself consistently and i'm getting that kick back! What i love to do is thrift and bargain shop i get this itch to look for sunken treasure in the seconhand stores in my city and see how much i can get with very little money, i always come out a winner and there is no better a satisfaction! Also getting my ball rolling with college finally i know i am such a lame-o but i went to cosmetology school and finished that so thats at least something! Even though it didn't quite work out i will always have my beauty abc's in my back pocket. So among a ton of other things i'm planning on doing as my little Valentin is gettting older, I really want to bring this blog to life....for me. Because ultimately that who i work for, thats who i want to keep happy. You know what they say happy wife/mom happy life! And with that i'm investing in a dslr...or a smart phone. Truthfully whichever i can afford first haha! Mad Men is so good this season i'm smitten. Game of Thrones has really caught my attention also which is surprising because it never interested me before at all but its actually awesome! My favorite is of course Khaleesi aka the dragon queen (if you know me you know i'm obsessed with being a dragon queen)so naturally its my favorite part of the show :) I'll have more later but i'm getting my boys ready for bed.

until then!

revelations

I read over my last post and honestly i've come to the realization that i don't care.

I don't care if people hold onto the past because i'm not going to and honestly if people are that stuck in the past i wouldn't want them to give me a chance because they aren't the kind of people i want as friends anyway. Not just that but i have had this idea cemented in my head that i deserve it, I deserve people disrespecting me and freezing me out in the back of my mind i just say " you probably deserve it so just let it go". I confronted this feeling head on and realized i don't! Plain and  simple i do not deserve to be treated like shit I am sweet person with a big heart and i give everyone a chance and thats the kind of people i want in my life. I take exceptional care of my family and i'm finally starting to take exceptional care of myself


because I deserve that.

1 month

I've been on such a strange kick lately. I want so much change i want to make and create lines but i want to break and destroy and build up and I don't even know how to explain it.


I've been thinking so much lately about this city and my past. when i was ALLOT younger i was kind of a brat and super bitchy. Its very unfortunate but people still hate me because of this. 6 or 7 years later and they still see me the same, allot of them just hate me because their friends say they do not because they know me or have ever had a conversation with me its the most unfair thing.

What makes things worse is some of chris closest friends also still see me this way. I am a much better person i mean come on that was so long ago and i've grown up and i've been for years but they see me the way they see me.

I wish i could just have a fresh start and a clean slate and if i mess things up or leave a bad impression now i can handle it because i got a fair shot but honestly i don't have that and i'm not very sure i ever will.

So i get this idea in my head that if i change what i look like and alter my appearance that i'll leave that bad rep behind and start over. I'm not sure this is healthy but it sure feels good to daydream about.

random

Ok so this is maybe very random and i haven't been updating much, i'm in the middle of a huge change and i can feel it. I love reading some blogs but it just seems like everyone is doing the same shit. Its all modcloth and bows and sock buns and shit. I'm not into it....Everyone does and says the same thing i am so uninspired. I stopped getting on tumblr as much even, theres hardly anything fun to see anymore! Even the funny stuff is kinda few and far between.

Currently have been loving GIRLS on HBO though especially this weeks episode when Marnie sang Kanye West and Daft Punk-Stronger in a really slow creepy way at her ex boyfriends office party hahahaha! Perf.

We've spent the past 8 days being sick seeing doctors taking medicine and kind of almost getting better. It has been rough to say the very least.

This means we were all sick for Valentins' birthday last friday, all weekend and at Yo Gabba Gabba live, and every other day this week. I was disapointed because we bought the Yo Gabba tickets to celebrate Valentins birthday and all of us being sick kind of took away from the specialness of the occasion. We're all starting to feel better now i just wanted to make my little guy so happy and its just a real shame he was not feeling well on his special day. 


I cannot believe it has been a year since i had my little boy, its been insane and wonderful all together, every day and i'm so glad that he's here, I thank god more than a few times a day for this amazing little guy.

Chris has been working later and sleeping more and he's super crabby all the time now i mean i don't blame him his schedule sucks right now i'm supportive, i still take him lunch every day but we've definitely had better times.

I spent all of wednesday with my good friend Melanie we hung out at her house for a good while then went to target because i had to buy a gift for our friend Sandra (aka my hero) She started teaching 1st grade this year and recently bought a house so she's having her housewarming party this saturday. I picked out a few things from her registry and one item that wasn't but i know she would totally love so i took it also. Melanie and I picked chris up during his lunch and we all had sushi little man loves miso soup so he had no complaints. Afterwards we dropped chris back at work and the 3 of us went to the park i was pushing Valentin on a swing while Mel and i just talked until it was dark. Spending the day with her was awesome bu now she's off with Amanda to Austin for SXSW which is awesome! I'm so excited for them plus Melanie could potentially be moving there pretty soon so she'll be scoping things out in the down time.

the desert is alive

Chris and I are planning our little mans 1st birthday party!!! His birthday is this friday the 8th, but we're having his party in April because our families will be vacationing over spring break. We decided on an indoor aquatic center with an INSANE kiddie pool I took one look at it and I knew our little man would be in heaven. Valentin was snoozing in his stroller during the tour so he didn't get a chance to see it. This little boy loooves to be in the water, I can't to see him having a blast!

El Paso is having a WXSW next week at Lowbrow and Black Market

I'm dead set on being there the 9th and 22nd. Bulletproof Tiger  has been one of my top 3 fave local bands for years now they are amazeballs. They always perform in these Tiger masks and they sound so groovy, its my favorite sound. Neon desert music festival is coming up also which we have been going to since the first show in 2011. That first lineup was ideal, at least for us. CSS,Omar Rodriguez Lopez,Designer Drugs, MSTRKRFT and lots more. Last year we bought VIP tickets which was ok honestly we didn't get as many of the perks that were supposed to come with it, and the lineup was kind of dissapointing there was very little variety, but i did enjoy The Twelves, Yacht, and Ghostland Observatory. This years lineup will be announced this wednesday and i hope its better than last years, then i guess we'll decide if the VIP admission is worth it.

Changes

I'm so happy about the changes that are underway!! Chris is planning his schedule for next semester and he'll also be getting a new job with better pay and better hours(double win) which we are so glad about since the job he has now leaves little room for anything other than sleep. I know how much he wants to get back into the swing of things with crossfit and so do I! It all depends on his work schedule though and luckily that will be changing :)


My girlfriends Amanda and Melanie got backfrom their Vegas trip last night and were gushing about their trip. Amanda tells me the Chippendales show was the highlight of her trip she told me she wasn't really looking forward to it because she knew what to expect but once she got there she told me she was screaming and jumping and can't wait to see the show again. They told me they shopped and drank like crazy during the day which is what its all about during down time apparently. I also heard something about a party bus! I'm glad to have them back and we're all supposed to get together and have a night out this weekend so i'm looking forward to that plus they brought me back some prezzies i'm not gonna lie i'm a little scared as to what they may have brought back i don't want a banana hammock from the Chippendales show or anything ;) hahaha!


I've been doing allot for me lately, finally getting around to throwing out some of my clothes which i've had for too long to say on the world wide web (yeah that long) and i'm being much more careful picking out new clothes i try to stick to what i know i like and quality pieces that can be mixed and matched, quality over quantity. I've spruced up my makeup routine which i'm thrilled about! I've literally been doing the same eyeliner since i was in high school so i'm embracing this new change its perfect because i'm not the same person and its nice to finally start reflecting on the change on my appearance and not just my attitude and persepective. The next step is dyeing my hair I only want about a shade or two lighter but its still a big change i have the dye already I just want to be right in the middle of light and dark it has to be that perfect balance. Although I love contrasts its too intense to go back to being platinum/white blonde and black hair is too boring and impossible to get rid of so this will be my first in between.


I used to LOVE Tumblr so much all of my free time I'd be logged in and I used to cry from laughing so hard at the posts and memes, this was back in 2011. These days it feel like it has become a really negative place and chock full of pictures of models and the occult. I'm not into it. I just want to laugh! I rarely see anymore funny stuff and i have to scroll forever just to find one thing worth reblogging. Maybe i'm following the wrong blogs. Methinks i'm over it. I'm all about Pinterest these days. I've tried dozens of tutorials,DIYs, and shortcuts for every day life. Not to mention the amazing wonders of  cocout oil! I've never been so inspired to clean or organize ever! Even chris has learned a thing or two from it. I have about a thousand activities and ideas saved for Valentin when he grows up too. I'm off to make Chris lunch its almost that time again!

I keep waking up around 3

This comes and goes but lately its been consistent. I lay in bed until Chris wakes up at 5 or 6 I make his breakfast and coffee so he can take it to school, bub is usually asleep through all this which makes it allot easier. I keep having these nightmares maybe i watch too many movies....


I watched Melancholia the day before that Asteroid was going to fly by, I swear i hadn't heard about it until after i watched the movie otherwise i would have steered clear! I know I've mentioned that i'm anxious and paranoid at best when it comes to doomsday stuff and end of the world theories. I can get a little carried away. I remind myself that God is with us always and we need only have faith and i get over it but the first thoughts are the heaviest. It was visually stunning. It was similar in the way it was filmed to Antichrist plus Charlotte Gainsbourg was one of the leads in that movie also, both are directed by Lars von Trier he's releasing yet another film with Charlotte Gainsboug as the main character called Nymphomaniac. That devastatingly handsome blonde Vampire from True blood was in Melancholia and will also be in his next film.

Life at home lately has been lovely. I've fully enjoyed staying at home with our son for the past year almost, I'm planning for morning classes in the fall i still don't feel great about leaving Valentin at daycare but the college offers childcare which i feel better about because at least we'll be close to each other and only apart for a couple of hours a day. I don't really want to go back to doing cosmetology again, i'm ready to study for something bigger. We are celebrating Valentins first birthday next month with tickets to Yo Gabba Gabba live! I can't wait to see the look on his little face to see his favorite characters in person. His teeth are all starting to come in at the same time it seems i guess its because he sprouted his first tooth just 2 months ago so they are all in a hurry to come in. I'm keeping the baby tylenol on hand even though he's hardly been fussy at all. I'll be starting to wean him off the breast late next month I know it is going to be difficult but the way i see it we really haven't even scraped the surface on the difficult things, this little boy has only been here a year lets give it another few and i'll be wishing things were as easy as they are now.

Wednesday last week i took advantage of an amazing deal on Fortyeight its a sister site to Solestruck my all time favorite shoe store. I've mentioned them before you really can't beat their prices and they always have the Jeffrey Campbells i'm pining for! Basically fortyeight has an event for shoes up to 80% off but only for 48 hours. This past wedenesday was their first event i believe and they featured Jeffrey Campbell, Doc Martens, Cheap  Monday and Miista. So basically its first come first serve and once they are sold thats it. I was able to get these JCs at 40% off :)

All i have are heels and wedges from jc but no flats or sandals, this is an excellent point Chris made and pretty much talked me into taking them. I'm 5'0 and curvy which isn't the best combination so i'm always trying to look a little taller and longer.

My dear Grandfather, the original Valentin celebrated his birthday on Valentines day and we had a party for him on saturday at my aunts house. It was unequivocal bliss, they served "Cabrito" which is baby goat in spanish and its exactly what he wanted he was so happy the whole time and it lit my heart up. There was a young man there playing guitar and singing all the spanish favorites and each time we would clap and sometimes sing along. My little Valentin was getting an allergic reaction to something and kept rubbing his eye and it was getting red and swollen i didn't have his zyrtec with me so we had to go home but before we did i gave my grandfather his gift. There were 3 hand painted tins in the shape of a pineapple, a swordfish, and  a boat each to remind him of  Mazatlan Mexico his favorite place to visit, mine also. Our family used to vacation there reguarly but ever since My Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer at the end of 2010 there has been little to no vacations. I'm hoping God will allow us all to take a trip there together soon I want my son to see the ocean and i want to be there with my whole family and especially my grandfather.

Contrasts

Its taken me years but i can finally narrow down the best way to describe myself in the most accurate way.

I love contrasts.

So simple. I love one extreme and it's exact opposite,  I am hardly ever in between I like both ends of the spectrum in every aspect of my life. I'm passionate about anything that i do and i'm drawn to passionate people whatever it may be that they are passionate about. Seeing that kind of genuine infatuation with something makes me giddy. I remeber once when cnn was on in the break room of the call center i was working at at the time i saw the protests all over the world and i fell so in love with them. This sounds weird and maybe its just the way i put things but, i really did. I saw this video today its a band called Urban Struggles they played a show here in El Paso last night and i caught this video on tumblr from another local. I saw it and i fell in love. Not because the singer is naked ok (i'm married and fucking crazy for my man) but there is passion here! The people here don't care what people think of them they are having a good time and they are passionate about the music. I love this. Plain and simple i fucking love the passion they have it is completely inspiring to me.

good vibrations

The highlight of my week was seeing one of my very favorite artists Toro Y Moi live!!!! It was amazing i had this incredible feeling the entire time i just couldn't stop smiling. Nothing for me is more enjoyable and satisfying than seeing live music especially when it is artists i know and love. The show was at this gorgeous venue Tricky Falls here in El Paso that Jim Ward (singer of Sparta and former memeber of At The Drive In) owns, He also owns the very chic bar upstairs called Bowie Feathers. It was me and Chris plus my two best friends Amanda and Melanie It is almost always us four when we get a chance to go out and its never ever a dull moment!

 Chris mom is the only person I've ever trusted to watch our Valentin, no one else has ever babysat for us and probably never will to be quite honest. This means we book her at least a month or two in advance to babysit so we can see a show, or go to a party or a bar. We're perfectly ok with this since our son is the most important part of our life his growing up in a healthy safe environment is prority one and honestly bars and shows will always be around but Valentin will not always be our baby. He's growing everyday i just want to go back again just for a little while just to smell his hair when he was a newborn and just to hold my tiny boy in my arms just after he was born. It almost feels tragic that you can never ever go back again it feel like sand slipping through my finger no matter what i can't hold on to the present very long because we are constantly moving forward with more speed each and every day it seems but i'm still none the less so grateful and proud to be a mother.

I feel good about the fact that we are at home the majority of the time with our son and no matter what we do or where we go he is always with us and thats important. When i was very small up until i was a teenager my mom would leave me and sister with babysitters and her friends all the time because she wanted to be clubbing and partying all the time and because of that allot of not good things happened to us it was always weirder for me since i was younger my sister is 3 years older than me so she kind of went along with things she was old enough to know what was going on. Fast forward 10 years and i spent the entirety of my teenage years babysitting my two little brothers while my mom went out thursday through saturday nights. I guess some people don't get the night life out of their system no matter their age. I really don't ever want to be like that. We're satisfied going out once a month or every other month we know we aren't missing out on much anyway but it just makes it all the more fun because we don't always do it and those nights are memorable.


In many ways i am still getting to know myself, but i do know exactly what i do not want to be and thats half the journey.

Hookey

Chris took the day off today and we had a little play day :) First we took little man to his dentist appointment. He's got his two bottom teeth but you can see a little of his canine tooth coming in he's been pretty good not fussy so i didn't think he was teething but boy was i wrong! Then I had a hair appointment, my hair was getting pretty nasty at the ends (doesn't help that Valentin likes to pull my hair when he's nursing!)After that we drove over to Crave which is a really good place to eat if your ever in El Paso(looove the 808 burger). Bub slept while Chris and i had a grown up drink each over lunch and laughed and talked a while. We saw This Is 40 after lunch which was hilarious! I was literally laughing from the beginning to the end it was too funny! Michaels has a 3 for 1$ acrylic paint sale and its right behind the theater so we moseyed over and we bought some pretty paints. Chris hates going to craft stores with me but i remind him that it benefits him too because he lets me paint his plugs :) the more variety the better! We finally came home to chill for a bit and i popped over to the grocery store to buy some salmon to make which ended up taking almost an hour because there were only two lanes open (why do grocery stores do this? idgi) i bought my very first succulent while i was there and painted the pot this evening inspired by this pin and it came out beautifully and only took about 10 minutes! What i really want is to make a hanging terrarium like the one i saw here on Yesterday's sweetheart now that is an awesome project! We ended our night with dinner and putting Valentin to bed and doing a little hobby time individually. An amazing end to our week!

growing.

The hour is late but i sit here in the dark while little man sleeps and chris gets his fix of call of duty. My favorite thing is to write, always has been only there isn't always time these days but thats ok. I've been thinking of this post for a long time and i think my train of thought is developed enough to share so here goes:



I loathe the person i used to be.




Yeah so let me elaborate a little on that.

For a really long time i was a stuck up, judgemental, snake-y, negative and even a coniving person. I thought everything and everyone was doing something to hurt me  or trying to make nasty remarks at me. for the longest time i was in a horrible place with no room to grow. I didn't know how to take criticism or take advice i was always ready to pounce, to argue to fight, to win. Because thats what communication between my mom and i was like. It was the most exhausting thing I swear it aged me. Everywhere i turned there were walls.

I learned to survive at home with my mom everyday it was a new disaster, a new fight she would make things up just for sport. I learned to adapt but when things fell out and i left for the last time i was completely fucked up  (excuse my language) but the way i learned to joust at home didn't work in the real world and it took me years to start thinking normal. It affected my jobs my schooling even my relationships with friends. A normal moment in my head would have gone like this "what did she mean by that? was she reffering to me? are we friends anymore? i don't care i don't want anything to do with her anyways she is a bitch i don't trust her" .......yeah scary right?


I don't think i even really realize how warped and immature i was. That was 3 years ago and i'm really happy to say that i'm a kind and caring person who doesn't take things out of context or look for fights anymore. I have overcome my self doubt. Allot of the positive change comes from my son and my relentlessly loving husband and his amazing parents, but above all: God. I have learned to adapt to a new way of living, re-wiring myself was really hard though and has taken years. I still have some days where i doubt myself a little but i remind myself how strong i am and how far i've come and those doubts dissolve. I have really discovered who i am through this whole thing and i'm really close to being the person i have always wanted to be. I'm genuinely happy. My relationship with my mother will unfortunately always suffer but thats something i can't control, i can only control myself. I'm so proud of myself i know that sounds weird but i am, i did this all on my own i changed who i was for the better. Thats a huge accomplishment and no one can take that away.

hello 2013!

I can't believe we're still here! Just kidding I never really bought into that Mayan calendar thing....Truthfully i did....and I had been dreading it for like 4 years since I first heard about it in high school! Something i'm embarrassed to admit is i'm always buying into how the world will end or what will happen to humanity, how we'll all die ect. When i was 7 years old all the older kids at my elementary school would talk about a huge commet hitting earth in 2000 and y2k wiping everyone out and i remeber like playing at P.E. time with my peers and just looking at all their beautiful faces and thinking "we're all going to die soon!" Ugh i get so obsessed with something and i even get really sad  so much that it affects my daily life and then Chris finally shakes me out of it but my goodness i wish i wasn't so gullible with these theories. Shit is damaging to my health!

On a good note I have decided after months and months, to start a small business this year! I am so so excited to do this i'm mapping everything out, have been for 3 weeks now its going to be a slow project i really want to do it right so i can always have this to lean back on. I'm an entrepreneur it runs in my family, so i got this. I just need a name and i already know what i'm going to be making and selling but over time that could change into something else so the name has to be pretty general which makes it more fun :)

Neither Chris nor I have been to crossfit since the beginning of december. We had two family members in and out of the hospital plus a death in the family needless to say christmas was not celebrated this year. December was relentless.

Chris and I both miss crossfit, we need to feel like we killed it, pushed ourselves to the edge and over it, like we accomplished something physically challenging everyday. With his new school schedule though we're going to only have one window to go and we're going to have to take turns with Valentin so its going to be pretty hard but thats what it costs.

January 31st is fast approaching! well sort of... Toro Y Moi one of my favorite artists ever, is playing a show here in el paso! I'm such a nerd i bought our tickets back in october! Whatever, i love them and i'm all about making future plans to be excited about :) I cannot wait!!!

Valentin's first birthday is coming up also; March the 8th this little boy turns 1 and for his birthday, that following monday we will be at Yo Gabba Gabba live at the plaza theater here in our wonderful city!

Lots of good stuff coming up i can't wait! I'm looking forward to taking a few classes next fall once valentin is a little bit older also and hopefully by then i'll have a good solid grip on running my business so i can continue staying home with my little man too

meh!

cookie cutter

This in a way is becoming my new LJ I will probably always keep my LJ though its been private since the day i created it and then deleted and recreated probably once every two years since i was 13 which i totally regret now i'd give anything to still have those entries. I am happy with my life but for some reason i feel like i constantly need to be proving that or something. Why? I guess because people say having kids young ruins your life and i just want to prove them wrong, that i truly 100% am so happy every single day! I wish i could shout it from a mountain or in the middle of a crowd or just write about it over and over which i already do and its annoying even me. I want people to see that it can work and this it worked out so wonderfully for me this is better than any vision i ever pictured of me in my 20s. Why the need to tell people? why does it matter what they think? why do i care? who the fuck cares? I wouldn’t be a better, happier, or more respectable person if I had a piece of paper (thats says i could do a job i probably wouldnt be able to find in this economy anyway) and $30,000 in  student loan debt before i'm 25 would I? I do plan on having an education but on my terms and at my own pace. Ok i'm ready to move on to better things. I'm going to start my own business and help support my family so i can continue to stay at home with my son. I believe with all my heart that i can do it and i just so deeply want to be a good mother and raise a decent boy with a good conscience and morals who is independent and thinks for himself and questions things instead of just going along with everyone else. I have so much passion for many things and i'm always looking for ways to express myself; making things with my hands, creating things, putting my ideas in motion, and of course my favorite immediate release: writing. I used to be so articulate and eloquent with my vocabulary i felt so completely honest whenever i spoke because i laced my sentences my words together so beautifully and i feel like i've lost it a little bit along the way and speaking is just another expression. When i've lost the words though i don't feel like me.