growing.

The hour is late but i sit here in the dark while little man sleeps and chris gets his fix of call of duty. My favorite thing is to write, always has been only there isn't always time these days but thats ok. I've been thinking of this post for a long time and i think my train of thought is developed enough to share so here goes:



I loathe the person i used to be.




Yeah so let me elaborate a little on that.

For a really long time i was a stuck up, judgemental, snake-y, negative and even a coniving person. I thought everything and everyone was doing something to hurt me  or trying to make nasty remarks at me. for the longest time i was in a horrible place with no room to grow. I didn't know how to take criticism or take advice i was always ready to pounce, to argue to fight, to win. Because thats what communication between my mom and i was like. It was the most exhausting thing I swear it aged me. Everywhere i turned there were walls.

I learned to survive at home with my mom everyday it was a new disaster, a new fight she would make things up just for sport. I learned to adapt but when things fell out and i left for the last time i was completely fucked up  (excuse my language) but the way i learned to joust at home didn't work in the real world and it took me years to start thinking normal. It affected my jobs my schooling even my relationships with friends. A normal moment in my head would have gone like this "what did she mean by that? was she reffering to me? are we friends anymore? i don't care i don't want anything to do with her anyways she is a bitch i don't trust her" .......yeah scary right?


I don't think i even really realize how warped and immature i was. That was 3 years ago and i'm really happy to say that i'm a kind and caring person who doesn't take things out of context or look for fights anymore. I have overcome my self doubt. Allot of the positive change comes from my son and my relentlessly loving husband and his amazing parents, but above all: God. I have learned to adapt to a new way of living, re-wiring myself was really hard though and has taken years. I still have some days where i doubt myself a little but i remind myself how strong i am and how far i've come and those doubts dissolve. I have really discovered who i am through this whole thing and i'm really close to being the person i have always wanted to be. I'm genuinely happy. My relationship with my mother will unfortunately always suffer but thats something i can't control, i can only control myself. I'm so proud of myself i know that sounds weird but i am, i did this all on my own i changed who i was for the better. Thats a huge accomplishment and no one can take that away.